The Real Important Firsts in a Child’s Life (from Loving Fatherhood)

Travis: 6 years
Drew: 2 years
Dad: 36 years

No, no, no. They’ve got it all wrong. Writers of books and magazine articles about babies and child rearing are quick to tell you about the joys of the “firsts” in a child’s life: first time he rolled over, first word, first time she took a step. These are clearly the uninformed ramblings of non-parents, or of parents who pay other people to do much of their parenting for them. They have missed the truly important firsts in a child’s life, the firsts that make a real difference in the child’s and parents’ lives.

Rolling over for the first time. Big deal! The baby who rolls over for the first time has been almost rolling over for weeks. One leg hovers over the other, as if the baby’s spine were an auger, and only this anchor of a head, much too large for that little body, keeps her from looking skyward. So, finally, with a little luck and a little momentum, she gets it all moving in the same direction and rolls over. Then what? All her appendages lurch upward, reflexively, trying to grasp some prehistoric mother to keep from falling up into the ceiling fan. And, of course, she cries. Some parents (mostly those who were first children themselves, and who actually liked going to school) diligently break this “first” up into four “firsts”: back-to-front rolling over, left-to-right and right-to-left, and front-to-back rolling over, both ways.

Who cares? Dogs roll over. Logs roll over. Stones roll (and at least accomplish the non-gathering of moss in the process). Odometers and IRAs roll over. The truly important first for a child, in this arena, is THE FIRST TIME SHE ROLLS OVER TO FIND HER PACIFIER! Now there’s an accomplishment. The ironic beauty of this important first is, you probably won’t know about it. One of those times when you settle into a hot bath, you’ll actually get to take your bath. Your cherub will be in her crib, find that her binky is missing, and decide to scream bloody murder to ask you to come place it in her mouth. Just before the outburst, though, she’ll remember her new trick and, just for kicks, she’ll give it a try. Succeeding, she’ll happen upon her pacifier, worry it back into her mouth, and resume her baby reverie. This is a red-letter day, though you’ll never know exactly when that day is. Maybe this is why they don’t make a little sticker for those baby calendars that says, “First rolled over and found pacifier.”

Around this time there’s another important first. It is not the traditionally celebrated “sleeping through the night for the first time.” That’s easy. If you’re asleep, how hard is it to behave, and angelically at that? The real accomplishment is WAKING UP IN THE NIGHT, AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP WITHOUT CALLING MOM OR DAD. Now that takes a big, brave boy or girl, and should be rewarded. Again, alas, you won’t likely know about this first unless you are keeping vigil outside your child’s room, in which case you probably aren’t the type to appreciate this important first anyway.

And what’s all this nonsense about a baby’s first word? The steady increase in sophistication, from the cry she makes in her first minute of life, through those nipple-muffled gurgles, to that “duh” that gets interpreted as “Dad” is a continuum. Had she been born to Urdu-speaking parents, one of those other sounds she made, three months ago, would have been “baby’s first word.”

But consider FIRST MEANINGFUL “NO.” That is an important first. Previously able to communicate only in her own language of crying, she now can speak her parents’ language, and learns to wield incredible power with this simple “No.” “Does baby want some lunch”? “No.” “Want to get in the car seat and go pick up big brother”? “Noooo.” “Wanna go for a ride in the dryer”?

As a baby becomes a toddler parents are typically told to watch for and revel in other firsts: first steps, first time without a diaper, first time to use a cup. Hogwash, balderdash, and poppycock.

A first step is always some ill-defined lurch from the couch to an eager parent whose threshold for defining a “step” is roughly that of an over-zealous basketball referee with a quota to fill. Consider, on the other hand, the FIRST TIME A TODDLER CRAWLS OUT OF THE CRIB AND APPEARS AT YOUR BEDSIDE. Assuming you didn’t startle awake and cold-cock him with your Michener novel, you still have at least 20 new grey hairs, and enough adrenaline coursing through your body to take you well into the wee hours.

Speaking of “wee,” why all this attention to “last diaper”? The average family has 27 false alarms of this milestone, and 27 extra loads of laundry to mark them. If you want an event that scores points for memorability, how about FIRST AIRPLANE FLIGHT WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU HAD ONLY ONE DIAPER LEFT? Do I let her stay wet, and save this one for when I really need it? Is there another baby her size on the plane, with friendly-looking parents? Could I tape two airsickness bags together? This is the stuff of real parenting.

First time to use a cup is, I admit, a fairly noteworthy accomplishment. Nothing, mind you, to rival FIRST TIME TO CLEAN UP HIS OWN SPILL. But it is something. And, while it is not quite as common, FIRST TIME CHILD GOT STUCK TO THE DRIED APPLE JUICE ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR is one you’ll want to put in the baby book.

As your child gets a little older, there are three firsts that, though they may not seem like much from this distance of a few years, will be as important to you as any first step or word:
• FIRST LEARNS TO BUCKLE HER OWN SEATBELT. Your orthopedist or chiropractor will see much less of you.
• FIRST LEARNS HOW TO HIT ALL THE RIGHT BUTTONS ON HIS CASSETTE TAPE PLAYER. His bouts of frustration become much less frequent, and you will now be able to consider car trips of longer than 15 minutes.
• FIRST LEARNS TO GET OWN CEREAL IN THE MORNING. It may take your child a while to get used to the giddiness his parents display, at having been allowed to sleep in ‘til 7:00. At this important “first,” though, you need to be sure to remember to put deadbolt locks on all doors leading out of the house and to call the cable company to cancel the Playboy channel.

So, offered humbly, those are the real important “firsts” to expect and attend to with your children. You will certainly have others to add that are particularly meaningful to you. But even all these pale in importance compared to the two, universal firsts that make parenthood the all-encompassing source of joy that it is – those two firsts that stand alone in capturing the essence of parenting: the FIRST SMILE and the FIRST TIME SON OR DAUGHTER PICKS UP THE CHECK AT A RESTAURANT.