Headline: “Balcony pep rallies bring cheer to California seniors.” Strikes me as the people carrying out the pep rallies are the same people who conducted panty raids in the 70s. People, this is what we trained for.
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I’m a rule-follower (mostly) – so sue me. I have this fear/hate relationship with authority – I think authority is often abused, but I don’t wanna get in trouble. I have had zero speeding tickets. So, in Texas, and in our county in Texas, are we locked down? Are we sheltered-in-place? Is it a law or a recommendation? Who can tell? But when my wife needed to get out of the house, and we decided to take a wildflower drive, I printed out the following letter, hoping it would buy us a “pass” if we got stopped. I am sorry to say it is not the weirdest thing I’ve done all year.
4/8/2020
Approximately 12:30 p.m.
Dear Sheriff’s office official:
We are serious about sheltering-in-place. We are on a quick trip to a curbside pick-up at the Spec’s Liquors in Elgin, then to Neighbor’s Kitchen and Yard, 601 Chestnut Street, Bastrop, TX, for a curbside pick-up. Then home.
Thank you, in advance, for your patience.
Randolph and Cheryl Bias.
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Earlier this week we were playing what I call HEB-frog (pronounced heeb-frog – HEB is the terrific central Texas grocer) – it’s like leap-frog, except it’s when you place your HEB-curbside order for two weeks out, and then, about a week later, look for another open slot, in yet another fortnight, before you’ve even picked up the first order. We couldn’t find the whole ham that we wanted from Central Market or Honeybaked Ham or anywhere. So I had the brainstorm of calling Gary Johnson, at Bert’s Bar-be-que, and asking him if he’d smoke us a turkey, as he does every Thanksgiving. So today we picked up our smoked turkey which Cheryl and I will enjoy for tomorrow’s Easter dinner . . . and I guess for approximately 18 meals thereafter in various configurations. And we still have two curbside grocery pick-ups awaiting.
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Pro tip: It is imperative to keep at least three bottles of wine open at all times, at varying stages of fullness, to make it hard for anyone to track how much you might be drinking.
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Dallas Morning News headline, 3/23/2020: “Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick spurns shelter in place, urges return to work, suggests grandparents should sacrifice.”
It seems to me that Lt. Gov. Patrick is not bravely putting his own life on the line to save the economy. Rather he is shamefully jeopardizing other babies’ grandparents’ lives, and indeed that of anyone who might need an ICU bed, in order to only delay, and likely deepen, the inevitable economic recession/depression. Perhaps til after the November elections? I am thoroughly disgusted by such “leadership.” Prayer is a wonderful tool to have on one’s toolbelt; I’ve seen it serve many people amazingly well. Science is another valuable tool that is well carried along with it.
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4/15/2020
Approximately 9:30 a.m.
Dear Sheriff’s office official:
We are serious about sheltering-in-place. We are of the belief that we are allowed to be out-and-about for work purposes. We are investors and are heading directly to, then directly home from, Palacios, TX, to look at a piece of property to invest in. We have brought our lunch with us and will make no stops except for gas, when we will use masks and Clorox wipes.
Thank you for your consideration.
Randolph and Cheryl Bias.
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We are not investors. Ha.
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4/27/2020 Facebook post
Happened to walk through the living room when Cheryl Bias had the TV on. During the day?! Seems she was watching Texas Governor Abbott’s press conference announcing his plan for re-opening the state. He said there would be increased testing. What a great idea! Dang – if only we’d’a thought of that sooner. Lt. Governor Dan Patrick gushed that Texas is better prepared than any state for such a re-opening. Well, except, perhaps, for the fact that “. . . when it comes to the number of tests per capita, the Lone Star State ranks last.” Last, outta 50. Maybe Lt. Gov. Patrick was holding his data table upside down? I think every one of the six guys who took the podium voiced their excitement that we are, per the Governor’s new plan, gonna ramp up testing to 26,000 tests per day. I just looked it up — there are 29,000,000 Texans. So, ignoring the requisite retesting for those who have at one point tested positive, everyone should be able to be tested in just slightly over three years. Enjoy your trip to the mall.
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4/30/2020 Facebook post
“Thank ya m’friends and thank ya, Don Pardo, now let’s play our game, ‘Which state will have a better June?’ You know the rules, each state wagers the lives of its grampas and grammies and health care professionals on the efficacy of its public policy. Today’s contestants are California – ‘You citizens couldn’t figure it out, so we are closing all the beaches and state parks’ – and Texas – ‘Though we are 48th in testing per capita, we are HOPING to ramp up testing at a rate whereby all y’all can be tested in just over three years, so we are re-opening the state tomorrow.’” And, begin.
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5/6/2020 Facebook post
OK, so, today was to be my second lockdown self haircut. A coupla days ago Cheryl Bias and I gave each other pedicures. (Oh, stop it! My man-card was revoked years ago!) Actually, I cut my own toenails, because I don’t trust her to be careful enough. And I just removed her old nail polish, and massaged her legs, because we didn’t have any nail polish yet. But yesterday CB did the valued Target curbside pick-up, and so now we had nail polish, and . . . here we go. USUALLY we go to Wendy and Amy, we drink their box Chardonnay, Cheryl and I hold hands, we plan our upcoming fortnight, and we listen to Wendy and Amy chatter in their tonal language that I find equally charming and inaccessible. They love us. Or seem to. Maybe because we are big tippers, but also I think they like that two 68-year-olds like to hold hands. And we show them pictures of our family. And one time when, in our planning, they heard we were throwing a dinner party, they insisted that they prepare us a Vietnamese meal. It was magnificent. Mag. Nificent. We love Wendy and Amy, and we so hope they are still in business when we come out the other side o’ this! Yesterday we dropped by envelopes for each of them with cash in the amount of the tips we’d’ve given them since the lockdown started. Anyway, so today I cut my own hair again – using the #2 instead of the #3 ‘cause ain’t nobody got time for this! And Cheryl finished my neckline. And then I went to apply her toenail polish. Turns out there are two little bottles of stuff. Some color and then some surface-layer sumthin’? Hey, I got this. As it turns out depth perception is not my strength and, at one point dear Cheryl says “I’ll take it from here.” I wanted to be offended, but mostly I was relieved. Anyway, I believe I have not materially inhibited the chances of our reaching our 47th anniversary, and we love you all. Please be safe.
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The lockdown is an opportunity for renewal and growth. Study and self-awareness. A friend is learning French. Another friend, age 70, is taking up the guitar for the first time. As for me, during this time of wearing a mask I have learned to, as the serious baseball players can, eat sunflower seeds by not only putting an entire handful in one cheek and moving one at a time to the front of my mouth to crack it open and enjoy the seed, but then to sequester the empty husks over in my other cheek, to be spit out all at once, when I take my mask off. Forgive the bragging.
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Pro tip: If you get part of the way through your walk before you realize you hadn’t sync’d up your Fitbit to your phone, simply perform the sync and then exactly retrace your steps and multiply the number of steps recorded times two.
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Finally, . . . well, there apparently is no “finally.” There is just “next.” And “tomorrow.” And “do none of those young people at the pool party have grandparents they hope to hug in the next two weeks”? And “Darling please stay vigilant.” And “my father fought in the Battle of the phreakin’ Bulge, in the winter, and so I suppose I can wear a mask, as long as the Netflix still works.”
